


wanna tell the world, want everyone to see

by descending



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Discovery, dinner as a plot device, eric's mom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28190508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/descending/pseuds/descending
Summary: The point is—Juyeon is hisbro.
Relationships: Lee Juyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 34
Kudos: 211





	wanna tell the world, want everyone to see

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday, eric! 
> 
> this was supposed to be like ~2k of me spite-writing against the "juric brothers" agenda (even tho [juyeon](https://twitter.com/WE_THE_BOYZ/status/1341249025916297216?s=20) literally just endorsed it) and... now we're here :-)
> 
> title from "adore you" by jessie ware
> 
>  **cw:** internalized homophobia is tagged for a reason! eric's new at this and says a few ignorant things while talking to kevin. please lmk if i need to tag anything else.

Eric’s first realization happens at dinner. 

He’s alone with Juyeon, at a restaurant they’ve been meaning to go to for a while. Eric’s scanning around the restaurant while they wait for their food when his eyes fixate on two guys at a table behind Juyeon. Once he gets a glance at them, he can’t seem to stop his eyes from tracking back to their table, magnetic almost. 

Juyeon’s talking about something he took a picture of, but Eric can’t stop himself from watching the way the one guy facing his direction has a hand laying casually on the other guys’ arm, thumb idly rubbing across the fabric of his shirt sleeve. Eric watches the look on the guys’ face, fond as he listens to whatever the other guy is saying. They’re probably really good friends, like him and Juyeon. 

Bros can hang out and have dinner and it’s not weird. He does it with Juyeon multiple times throughout the week and it’s never been anything out of the ordinary. It wouldn’t even be weird if Eric reached a hand over to mimic the pose the guys behind them are doing—

Except they’re holding hands now. 

Still: nothing he wouldn’t do with Juyeon, or any of the other members. Maybe not over the table at dinner, but. They’re close friends, and they touch—it’s normal. It’s super chill, Eric rationalizes with himself as he alternates from trying to focus on Juyeon’s voice and the clasp of the dudes’ hands on the table behind them. Not that it’s weird to hold hands with another guy, or anything. It’s just distracting. 

It’s all friendly, he tells himself as he tries harder to zone back into Juyeon’s story, eyes still wandering, with his train of thought cutting off abruptly as he watches the word ‘honey’ distinctly take shape on the guy’s lips, whatever the rest of the sentence is undetectable. Honey. Well, that’s. That’s a little less ordinary. 

“Hey,” Eric cuts Juyeon off in the middle of his sentence, a momentary panic replacing the chill he was feeling mere minutes ago. “Do you think it looks like—” 

What Eric almost asks is, _do you think those two guys are on a date?_ He stops himself because it’s none of his business, and asking Juyeon about it would be out of line, because he can’t even see them from where he’s sitting, making it so far from being his business that Eric just shuts his mouth. He’s not going to gossip about two strangers minding their own business. 

Even if he can now see the guy facing him pick up their joined hands to kiss the other guy’s knuckles. Well, that sure is something. Still, it’s none of Eric’s business. 

He realizes that Juyeon stopped talking, waiting for Eric to say whatever it is he wanted to say, and Eric is stumped. He scrapped his original question, and the only other thing he can think to ask is, _do you think it looks like we’re on a date_?” or, more seriously, _do you think people think we’re dating?_ He cuts that line of thinking off because he has no idea why he wants to ask Juyeon either of those questions. Eric frowns. He wants to backtrack, let Juyeon finish whatever he was talking about, but he also really wants to know. He’s extremely curious about what Juyeon thinks about this. 

Eric is an idol. He’s been programmed to care about what people think and then to act accordingly to change their perceptions, if necessary and possible. Some days he wakes up with every minute of his day planned out for him, barely a bathroom break decided for himself. He’s become numb to the fact that some things are decided for him, and all he has to do is play the part well. It’s not just his image he has to care about. Eric is well aware of what people think about him thanks to speaking more than one language and having access to the internet, but all of that is a product of either himself or the company. 

The thought of people watching him, not knowing that he’s a member of The Boyz, and assuming that he and Juyeon are anything other than friends is sending him into a mini-frenzy. Like, okay, there are worse people from the group to be considered part of a pair with, and obviously, Juyeon’s not his boyfriend, but Eric is objective enough to recognize that he’s a catch. Eric doesn’t know a cooler dude. Juyeon’s really great, which is why Eric spends so much time with him. But that’s not the point.

The point is—Juyeon is his _bro._

People around them say it all the time. Eric’s lost count of how many times he’s heard some variation of, _aw, you two are just like brothers!_ Eric’s even said the same kind of thing before. It’s not exactly true, though. He has a real sister, and she’s not a boy, but even if she was he doesn’t think their relationship would be anything like the one he has with Juyeon. 

He loves his sister, and she’s great. But he’s fine with seeing her whenever it’s possible and just communicating on KaTalk the rest of the time. He cherishes the moments he gets to see her with how busy they both are, and she’ll always be an important part of his life, but there’s no sense of urgency with her. They have their separate lives continents apart and it’s fine. 

With Juyeon, Eric isn’t sure how he’d deal with being apart from him for too long. Somehow it’s just not enough to live in the same dorm as him, see him every day, and share a room at the company with him. They hang out outside of work, and away from the rest of the guys. They’ve been in each other’s pockets for so long that Eric can’t remember a time when they weren't attached at the hip. There are obviously no hard feelings with the others, but nobody else in the group gets him the way Juyeon does. He’s made friends with countless other idols, lots of buddies born in the same year, but it’s not the same. Nobody takes care of him or listens to him the way that only Juyeon can. 

Looking at Juyeon across the table, dudes-clearly-in-a-relationship holding hands forgotten, Eric can confidently say that he loves him. Not in the way he loves his sister, nor the way he loves the rest of the group. It’s new, and he doesn’t know if he has the words for it, only knows that he feels it running fiercely through his veins, has probably felt it for a while now. 

Juyeon looks back at him, eyes sparkling, and Eric’s heart takes a leap, hangs in the air for a moment suspended in time, and nosedives. 

✧

Eric’s started thinking about it, and now he finds that he can’t stop.

 _It_ being a single stray thought about the perceived status of his and Juyeon’s relationship that quickly spiraled into two, then three, then one hundred separate thoughts about it. And then a lot more. 

To soothe his brain, he considers that there are facts, concrete indisputable truths, and he can handle those. 

Fact one: Juyeon’s his bro. Probably his best bro if he’s honest. 

Fact two: They spend a lot of time together, and that’s normal for bros to do. They have fun together. 

Fact three: Their mutual friends and fans alike know how close they are, and it’s no big deal. There’s no reason why it would even be a big deal. 

He repeats these facts to himself like they’re gospel until a flurry of new stray thoughts barrel in like a wrecking ball designed specifically to shatter the box he’s created just to hold his facts in. 

They’re like, life partners. Which can be platonic, totally bros, one hundred and twenty percent casual. Except as Eric thinks about it, it becomes clearer to him that it’s not exactly like that. For himself, at least. It’s like letting a dam open, roaring water descending upon Eric before he’s got a chance to get to higher ground. He can say Juyeon’s his best bro all he wants, but. Now that he's really thinking about it: is that all he wants?

It's a sticky situation because Juyeon's not just anyone. Juyeon's an integral part of his life, and no matter what goes on in Eric's brain, no matter what course of action he decides to take in order to make sense of all of this, Juyeon will still be in his life. He wants to ask everyone around him if he's losing his mind. He wants to ask, and to be told what he wants to hear. Even though he's itching to do so, he doesn't say anything, and he realizes a few more things. 

A date is only a date when you say it’s a date, but is it different when you’re in a relationship and everything you do could be considered a date if you wanted it to be? Not that they’re in one, but hypothetically, if they _were_ in a relationship, they would definitely be going on a lot of dates. If he goes through his memories and replaces Juyeon with a randomly generated girl—one in a pretty dress, long hair falling down her shoulder, looking beautiful and like everything Eric should want—across from him at a table, anyone watching them would easily think it's a date. What makes it different when it's Juyeon?

The fact that he's his friend. Just his friend. Eric reminds himself of this and ignores the feeling that flares up when he thinks about it.

But, suppose there's an alternate reality where they're in a relationship, and it's so normal that it doesn't even ping on anyone's radar, and they keep doing everything they've been doing just with an added label. He doesn't think that he'd feel any different than how he does now, and that's jarring. There's not a single reality where he could possibly like Juyeon more than he does now, nor in a different way. He likes him in every way he knows how to. In new ways, even. There's no other person to compare it to. 

_A relationship._ Eric has to press his fingers to his temples, cold hands a shock against the flooding warmth of his face as he fights off the storylines his brain tries to create. _Yeah, right. I sound like a stupid kid._

It’s far-fetched, very silly, bordering on delusional, but it’s not completely out of this realm. If he really thinks about it: they work in every way. Eric’s young, but he’s not unfamiliar with what this could be. He has no clue what Juyeon feels, but if anything, he knows Juyeon cares about him. Juyeon, who cooks for him on his birthday and just because he can. Juyeon, who reads dramatic poetry and tells Eric all about it, because he knows that he won’t read it on his own. Juyeon, the most stable figure he has in this wild, unpredictable idol life. 

Even still, there’s so much to lose. Having the person who listens to his worries the most be the one to break his heart is something he doesn’t want to touch, now or ever. He can barely wrap his mind around the concept of liking Juyeon in a non-bros way, but the thought of Juyeon rejecting him, but still being in his life, important and unwavering as ever, is enough to make his breathing shallow and heart rate pick up. 

Now that he’s thinking about it more, he has no idea how he’s supposed to just be okay with all of this. 

✧

Eric figures he’ll do some observation.

Kevin is a good point to start at.

Kevin’s gay, and Eric still thinks he’s cool. His humor is pretty hit or miss, and his style is questionable, but Eric can rely on him any day of the week and feel good about it. They bicker and have fun together, their own little West Coast bond. He’s like an actual older brother to Eric in all the ways that Juyeon isn’t.

Eric doesn’t exactly have an objective when he decides to observe Kevin, nor does he know what it’ll accomplish, but he’s already decided to do it, so there’s no point in backing down.

He knocks on the door of the studio room Kevin, Sunwoo, and Haknyeon share, and internally fist pumps in relief when Kevin's the one to unlock it and peer out to see who it is. "Can I hang out here?"

"Sure," Kevin says, easily agreeable as he walks back to the desk, not even turning back to look at Eric. "I don't know how long it'll be until I head back to the dorm, though."

Even better for Eric. "That's cool, I'll wait."

And so he does. It's incredibly boring to make himself stay quiet and let Kevin work on whatever he's doing while Eric takes the time to watch him. Eric's really not the expert in the room, but he doesn't think Kevin's doing anything particularly gay. Maybe the secret's in the things he's typing on his keyboard or reading on the screen, but Eric isn't getting anything helpful from it. Kevin isn't even muttering to himself under his breath like he sometimes does for Eric to catch an offhand comment. Kevin's been listening to Ariana Grande on a loop, volume low as he hums along, but he doesn't know if that means anything. Eric likes Ariana Grande. He thinks that maybe he wasn't prepared enough to do this.

“Are you always this boring?” Eric says to himself, mostly because Kevin’s laughing at his own jokes as he types something. “Is this what it’s like to be gay?”

Apparently, that’s either the right or wrong thing to say because it gets Kevin’s attention right away. “Whoa. Wait, sorry, what?” Kevin exclaims, sounding extremely put out as he stops typing to swivel his body and chair around to look at Eric. He doesn’t exactly sound offended, which is good, because Eric wasn’t trying to be offensive. He’s just shocked that he’s never noticed how boring Kevin can be.

“I mean, am I wrong? Prove me wrong,” Eric responds, pulling his cap over his eyes as he lays back on the sofa.

Kevin rolls his chair back so that he can reach Eric only to flip his cap up off his eyes. Kevin squints, a hand still raised in the air. “What did you just say to me?”

Eric fluffs his hair out of his eyes. “I’m trying to do research, dude. This is serious.” Some of his hair flops back into his eyes and he pauses to blow the errant strands out the way. “Maybe I should’ve gone to someone else first because you’re literally no help and I’ve been in here for over an hour now.”

Kevin furrows his brows and his squint turns into a narrow-eyed glare. “No, seriously, what are you talking about?”

Eric hesitates, caught out. There’s probably something unethical about observing Kevin for his own purposes without getting him to sign a waiver or something. Eric doesn’t know, he’s new here. A knot forms in his stomach as he realizes that he has to explain his motives and methodology to Kevin now that he’s been caught.

“Okay, so, first of all, you can’t get mad at me,” Eric starts out in English before switching to Korean, hoping to confuse Kevin a little by making the gears in his brain work harder to follow along with Eric’s train of thought. “But I’m watching you and trying to understand what it’s like.”

Kevin stares at him, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t want to. Kevin’s smart, he can use context clue. “Sorry, I don’t follow,” Kevin says slowly, like the puzzle pieces aren’t right there in front of him to put together. “Understand what?”

Eric sits up, frustrated. “What it’s like being gay!” He points an accusing finger at Kevin. “You’re not doing anything weird, and I’m sitting here waiting! Do something!”

Kevin flinches backward, and shoot, Eric might’ve definitely said the wrong thing just now. It’s just that he’s not seeing it. There’s just no way he and Kevin are the same. He’s sitting here, waiting patiently, watching carefully, and—no. It just doesn’t make sense.

“I’m going to give you another chance to say whatever it is you’re trying to say before I hit you,” Kevin says. He’s frowning now, and Eric feels bad. He put his foot in his mouth and messed everything up. Hurting Kevin’s feelings wasn’t part of his plan.

“You’re like my—” Eric thinks about the phrases he was searching up the other day to prepare for this. He can’t remember the Korean equivalent, so he goes with English. “Litmus test.”

“Your litmus test,” Kevin repeats and doesn’t look any more pleased than before.

“You mean you can’t tell?” Kevin shakes his head and makes a face like he thinks Eric is a fool, but Eric doesn’t push it. “Dude, I’m obviously gay.”

Kevin’s face goes completely blank, and silence takes over the whole room. In the next instant, Kevin is bent over, nearly falling out of his chair as it rolls around the floor while he laughs full-bellied and loud.

“It’s not funny,” Eric protests. “I’m actually being serious.”

“Yeah, right,” Kevin says, before wiping his eyes and folding himself upright again, scooting his chair back to where it was before. “Sure you are, and I’m over here messaging Beyoncé.”

Eric isn’t sure how he’s supposed to feel. He almost wants to laugh along with Kevin because, yeah, it is kind of unbelievable. If he’d told this to himself last week he wouldn’t even believe it. Unexpectedly, his stomach drops. He probably wouldn’t take himself seriously either if he was in Kevin’s seat. He feels a little sick, now that he thinks about it.

Kevin seems to pick up on his silence after a few beats and cranes his head back to peer at Eric. Eric doesn’t know what his face is doing, but it can’t be anything pretty because Kevin covers his mouth and makes a small gasping sound as he looks at him.

“Wait. Are you…serious?” Kevin says from behind his hand.

Eric curses his extremely active tear ducts when he feels his eyes begin to water, determined not to cry in front of Kevin. He can’t speak for the fear of his bottom lip trembling the way it does before he cries. It feels like an irrational reaction because he and Kevin are always at each other’s throats jokingly, but this actually stings. All the things running through his mind lately are messing with his head, and Kevin not taking him seriously isn’t helping at all.

"Yeah, I think I am," Eric says, voice unusually meek. "It's just freaking me out a little."

Kevin peels his hand from his mouth and places his palms on his knees. He stretches his fingers out, clearly thinking before he speaks. Eric wishes he'd just say whatever it is he has to say. "Okay," he says, tentative. "First of all, I'm glad you felt like you could come to me, and I am sorry for not believing you,” he taps Eric so he’ll look at him, “I was shocked, but I promise you can come to me for anything, okay?” He tilts his head, considering.”But." He pauses and makes eye contact again with Eric. "What do I have to do with it?"

Eric rolls his eyes, bouncing back already. The initial nerves are gone, replaced with the need for Kevin to provide him with solutions. Leave it to Kevin to focus on the least important topic here. "Don't you wanna know how I know I'm gay?"

"Yes, among a lot of other things this conversation is leaving to be desired," Kevin says dryly.

Eric fidgets where he's sitting, the soles of his sneakers skidding on the floor when he kicks his feet out. "It's about Juyeon hyung."

"Oh," Kevin says, and his hands fly up before resting on top of his head. He closes his eyes and nods. "This makes so much more sense now. Of course, it's about Juyeonie."

"Hey! A second ago you didn’t even believe me. What does that mean?"

"Eric."

"Kevin."

“That was before I saw the vision,” Kevin gestures at him with a flippant hand, looking resolute. "I’ll let you think about it for a second. Just one."

And, yeah. Sure, Eric has a permanent spot under one of Juyeon's arms, the line of his body a perfect fit for Eric to slot right next to, but still. He's attached to him all the time, but still. He'll insert commentary about Juyeon in conversations he's not even part of, but still. This is breaking news to him, big block letters across a blank page. If he didn't know, how did Kevin? "Kevin."

Kevin widens his eyes, a little exasperated. "Eric, look." He rolls his chair a little bit closer to where Eric is sitting and folds his hands in his lap. "Your sexuality is something only you can define, and your journey is entirely personal. But—" He looks like he wants to hold words back, but Eric leans forward, hoping he won't. "The way you are with Juyeon has always been different from how it is with everyone else, you know?”

Eric knows. Every time he thinks about how painfully obvious yet oblivious he's been, it twists something sharp deep in his chest. Sure, the realization is new, but the feelings he has have been blooming for a while, only now too much to ignore.

"It's..." Eric starts, feeling defeated. Kevin managed to derail his plan and figure him out in half the time it took for him to come up with it. "It's supposed to be a secret."

Kevin looks at him, a pout on his face. "Oh, bud."

"This is so embarrassing," Eric wails as he flops back down. "Juyeon probably thinks I'm embarrassing."

Kevin scoffs. "Oh, stop. He would never think that and you know it."

Eric rises back up, like a vampire in a coffin. "You're right. He loves how attached I am to him, and not even in an ego-boosting way. It's because he actually sees me as his little brother." Eric groans, rubbing his hands over his face. "This sucks. Okay, alright, I'm not gay anymore. Good talk." He rises to leave, but Kevin grabs at his arm to hold him in place.

"It's barely been 10 minutes since you even told me, you quitter." Kevin tugs and tugs at his arm until he's sitting back down. He makes the features on his face go serious before he starts talking again. "Seriously, though, try to talk to him. And don't worry too much about labels, okay? Just think about your feelings for Juyeon." 

Easier said than done. 

✧

The next time they go out for dinner, Eric's energy is through the roof.

He's maybe one beverage away from vibrating right out of his seat, hitting his head, and letting his chaotic thoughts spill out to the floor in front of everyone and Juyeon. It feels like lately, all he's been doing is thinking—about himself, Juyeon, the world as it is. Reconstructing the fragile pieces of what he knows so that they can exist in this strange new space.

It was an oversight, probably, thinking that he'd be able to make it through another solo dinner with Juyeon and not want to stand on the table and scream praises about how he thinks Juyeon is the best person he's ever met. Regardless, because he's Eric and Juyeon is Juyeon, they're out to eat again. Just the two of them.

The conversation with Kevin looms in the back of his mind constantly, niggling at him every so often as a reminder to focus on how he's feeling. Which is inconvenient since he's feeling just about everything.

What is he _feeling_? That's funny. Kevin said something about cataloging the five senses if he felt like it's too overwhelming, which Eric feels is a little silly, but he can do it in his head and no one will know. Feelings? Fuck if he knows. But there are things he can pinpoint clearly like touch—the menu he's been unable to focus on long enough to choose a meal hanging loosely in his hands, taste—the stale piece of gum he forgot to throw out when he was by the trash can, hearing—Juyeon's voice getting a little louder to reach him over the table as the other patrons make noise, sight—Juyeon, right in front of him, hard to miss. And whatever the other sense is—smell, maybe—

Juyeon’s using his tongue to get his straw into his mouth, distracting. Eric wonders if his lips have always been this pink. “Have you ever thought about kissing me?” Eric asks.

“Sure,” Juyeon says, before he finally gets the straw in his mouth. He sips, swallows, Eric's eyes drawn to the line of his throat, and asks in return, “haven’t you?”

Eric sputters. What. He's made a grave mistake here. “Thought about kissing myself? Obviously not.”

Juyeon rolls his eyes with a smile. “No, thought about kissing me.” He says it like Eric is supposed to agree with him immediately as if it’s totally normal to think about kissing your best friend and then admit it in casual conversation while you’re eating a meal together.

Eric blinks rapidly, right in time with his heart, because yeah. He’s definitely thought about it. Once or twice or fifty times now. 

Juyeon probably means he’s thought about it fleetingly, in the heat of the moment. After a win, Eric would probably kiss all of the members on the mouth out of sheer happiness. So naturally, Juyeon’s probably had the same thought, and that’s what he means.

Then again, Eric’s thought about it in other contexts. Kissing Changmin. Moving the mics out the way first, curling his fingers to grip his chin, leaning down just a little bit more to kiss him in front of everyone, put on a real show. But that’s just because of repeated proximity. For the sake of performance.

Eric wants to ask some more, but he’s terrified of knowing anything past what Juyeon said verbatim.

“Ha ha,” Eric says, each _ha_ nothing more than a breath. Just like the other night, he's suddenly aware of all the other people around them. Maybe they're not watching them, but maybe they are. Maybe they've got their ears trained to their table, cameras discreetly pointed in their direction. Maybe they know what Eric is going to say before he even says it. "I was just joking. I saw this prank video—" Eric lies. And lies a little bit more as he goes into deep detail about a video that may not even exist, spinning a story about something that has nothing to do with why he asked the question. He hasn't seen any videos about kissing your best friend. At least not any off of incognito mode.

Juyeon's kind enough to laugh at what he's saying anyway. He does that a lot—catching whatever Eric throws to him, even if anybody else would fumble it. Juyeon's always kind, but Eric knows not to take that for granted, and he already regrets hiding what he's feeling from Juyeon even if there's no way he could possibly put any of it into actual words let alone say it to Juyeon.

Juyeon saves Eric further by branching off into his own story, and Eric listens this time. He always listens, easily wrapped up in the words coming from Juyeon's mouth, eager to say something as soon as he gets an opening so that he can get to be a part of anything that gets Juyeon animated and excited.

He listens, but it's a little harder this time. He tries, really, but he can't stop thinking about the rush of the words leaving his mouth and how it was too late to take them back. How the question didn't seem to shock Juyeon. He's distracted even until the table's cleared and the bill is paid.

By the time they make it back to the dorm, Eric’s talked about pretty much everything he could think of so that Juyeon could forget what he asked him. Juyeon probably already forgot about it, considered it another one of Eric’s random lines of thought, but Eric can’t stop replaying the moment in his head.

They’re almost through the door and into a safer territory where Eric can act like dinner never happened, the presence of the other members a saving grace, but he can’t seem to make himself stop talking.

“At dinner,” Eric starts, a little too loud in the empty hallway. “I was just, like, being random.”

“I could tell,” Juyeon says with a smile.

Eric freezes at that. Of course Juyeon saw right through him, if anybody could, of course he’d be the one to do so. "Really? What gave it away?" he asks, sure that Juyeon can also read the clear panic in his face.

"You had a lot to say tonight," Juyeon says, nudging Eric with his arm. They're standing pretty close, actually, and Eric almost steps back when he notices. "It was cute."

"I was?" Eric asks, words tumbling out of his mouth before he can catch himself. "I mean—it was?"

"Yeah," Juyeon responds. He says it so plainly. So simple.

A single word is apparently enough to send Eric into even more of a tailspin. His heart is pounding, threatening to burst open into his ribcage, and it doesn't make any sense. Juyeon's called him cute a million times. He's constantly getting coined as the cute member being the maknae, but not a single time holds as much weight as this, here in the hallway with 9 of the people they're closest to only a door away.

Staying in line with the trend of the night, he can't hold back from mentioning the exact thing he'd been agonizing over all night, ready to either make it worse or figure out if maybe—maybe Juyeon understands where he's coming from. "When I asked you that question earlier, the one about—Well, when I asked if you'd ever thought about kissing me—" He stumbles on his words a bit, but plows through. "I wasn't being random then."

"Yeah," Juyeon says again, his already soft voice even quieter now. "Like I said, I could tell."

"How?"

Juyeon's eyes flicker to his lips, and it's so quick that Eric wouldn't notice it if they weren't standing so close. "Before you asked me, you kept looking at my mouth. I figured something was up."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Eric presses, unable to hold back anything else, now willing to ask every question he's got since he's getting answers.

Juyeon shrugs. "I was waiting for you to say what you really meant. Thought if I said anything else you would have run right out the restaurant." Juyeon tilts his head, studies Eric’s face for a second. “Why were you asking?”

Eric can feel himself lilt forward, the automatic response to lean into Juyeon for comfort ingrained in him, but he catches himself fast enough to remain still. “Dunno. I’m curious, I guess.”

He knows the shrug he tacks on at the end isn’t convincing. Even less convincing is the way he can’t stop looking at Juyeon’s mouth now, the quirked corners revealing how amused Juyeon is at this conversation.

“You wanna kiss me? Is that it?” Juyeon questions, and he’s smirking, playful, but Eric knows that it’s nothing close to condescension. He can tell Juyeon finds this amusing. Maybe Eric would too if his heartbeat wasn’t pounding from his temples to his toes.

In what could be slow motion or top speed, Eric nods. Two shakes of his head that reveal way too much at once. He feels overeager, like he’s taken too many steps before looking ahead with no plans of going back. “Yeah.”

Juyeon’s eyebrows raise, like he wasn’t expecting Eric to say that even though he’s the one who asked the question so plainly. “Well, I mean, you can,” he says with his eyebrows still raised.

Eric’s brain has a moment where there’s not a single word accessible to him. He’s caught off guard, unprepared for the reality where Juyeon is actually down to do non-bros activities.

Technically, kissing doesn’t have to be explicitly non-bros. Even if Eric’s been thinking about it nonstop for days, conjuring up scenarios in his head and getting nervous every time Juyeon’s slung an arm around his shoulder or leaned close to whisper something to him, it doesn’t have to be non-bros. Even if he desperately wants it to be anything but bros.

Eric swallows hard and makes himself keep eye contact with Juyeon. The expanse of the hallway shrinks until there's only the space where he and Juyeon are standing.

Eric can tell that Juyeon’s letting him drive the boat here, and it’s considerate of him, even though he has no idea of the inner turmoil Eric’s been going through. He doesn’t know, and that’s enough for Eric to move forward and close the gap, shutting his eyes and hoping that nothing goes horrifically wrong.

Juyeon kisses like he is—steady, stable. Hot. He’s gentle, holding Eric as if he might break. Eric’s mind finally settles, the noise quieted, replaced with the all-encompassing presence of Juyeon moving in even closer, caging him against the door. Eric has him, and he still wants. Wants all that he can get and more. He makes a noise, the desperation finally leaking through, and Juyeon finally kisses him harder, licks into his mouth, uses a big hand to hold the back of Eric’s head and move him how he pleases.

Eric feels. Juyeon’s hand in his hair, his tongue in his mouth, his body pressed against his. His heart ready to beat out of his chest with pure emotion. He kisses back with all the emotion he has, clutching onto Juyeon like a lifeline.

Juyeon kisses him until he's dizzy, head spinning with every lick into his mouth. None of the kisses Eric's had before can compare. The thought almost sends him off-balance. It's one thing to fantasize about it, but it's another to experience it and have it be better than expected. When Juyeon pulls back, Eric wants to sway forward, unable to let this end, but he stops himself. Juyeon leans in one more time, brushing the hair off his forehead to leave a kiss there.

“Did that satisfy your curiosity?” Juyeon asks him.

Eric leans back against the door, spares a brief thought to the fact that they did this right outside the dorm, and opens his eyes. Juyeon is smiling. He’s grinning wide, eyes crinkling as he waits for Eric’s response.

“A little.” _No,_ Eric wants to say. _I wouldn’t be satisfied even if we did this forever_. God.

Juyeon laughs, a giggle more than anything. He looks normal, aside from how his lips are kiss-pink and his shirt is wrinkled where Eric was holding on for dear life. Eric wonders what he looks like. Probably exactly how he feels, carved open and bare for all to see.

Once again, Eric's been knocked off balance. He doesn't know what this means. Hell, he barely even knows how it happened even though he just lived through it. Worst of all, he doesn't know how Juyeon managed to be so cool afterward when Eric feels like his entire world is spinning the wrong way.

Juyeon’s body covers his again as he reaches behind him to open the door. Eric almost loses his balance when the door clicks open, but Juyeon gets a hand on his hip to stop him from toppling backwards. Up close, Eric can see Juyeon’s pores, his eyelashes fluttering as he blinks down at Eric. His mouth is still so, so pink. Anyone who looks at him, knows him even just a fraction of the way Eric does, could probably tell what he was doing. Eric knows it’s better if nobody knows, but he almost wants someone to ask. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to stop himself from preening if someone looked at them both and came close to connecting the dots. 

Juyeon gets the door open even with Eric in the way, gives him the cheesiest wink ever, and walks into the dorm unbothered. Eric watches him walk in and can’t find it in himself to follow, transfixed by the way he moves. 

Okay, well. Eric’s curiosity isn’t completely satisfied. 

✧

Eric’s mom is back in Korea again.

And, of course, he misses her terribly when she’s gone, wishes she could stay all year long, etc etc. But she has terrible timing.

She could’ve picked any other time. Maybe a month ago when he hadn’t realized that calling Juyeon his bro is now no longer an option. Or maybe 5 years in the future when he's finally recovered from this terrible affliction better known as a crush. The fear that she'll take one look at him and just _know_ has him jittery all day before they meet up. She has nothing to do with his own internal crises, but it’s just inconvenient. Timing is everything.

Time. Like that time he kissed Juyeon. Juyeon _let_ Eric kiss him, and then kissed him back. And then the time they didn’t talk about it. Which has been every moment after. Either they're too busy rushing from schedule to schedule, or they're in front of the members, or Eric chickens out, or Juyeon looks like he's going to say something but he snaps his mouth closed before any sound comes out, or—

Eric’s never been more confused. He’s kissed a few girl group members in the empty shadows of music show hallways, but it’s never amounted to much. It wasn’t a big deal. Talk to a cute girl, make out for a few minutes of fun, and move on once your managers start ringing. Idol life didn’t allow for much more unless you were ready to be in something serious enough that it would be worth the potential backlash if you got caught.

Eric’s never really cared enough to push for more. He’s been able to laugh off exchanging numbers and IDs, always with a handy excuse if they hinted at wanting to be more than a quick fling. There's order, with girls. A pattern to follow, the status quo to upkeep. With Juyeon, he has no idea what he's supposed to do next, if anything at all.

Eric’s never had to think about it much.

But Juyeon’s in his orbit 24/7 and sometimes when he’s near him, he can't think about anything else. The part of Juyeon’s lips before Eric leaned in. The way the air went still when Eric got too scared to make the final move. How all of his thoughts finally settled, even under the frantic beating of his heart, only to scatter again when Juyeon cradled his jaw and kissed him one last time. The genuine smile on Juyeon’s face when they separated, the lines by his eyes saying something Eric couldn’t decipher for the first time in a long time. How nothing makes any sense at all anymore.

And now his mom is in Korea, sitting at a table with both him and Juyeon, a wide smile on her face as she watches them both with genuine love in her eyes, oblivious to the fact that they’ve made out since the last time she saw them.

Eric is hyper-aware of every move he makes. He should’ve let his mom sit next to Juyeon instead, but he wanted to sit next to him. He asks her to take a picture of them for Twitter, even though he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to let the fans know that the three of them went out for dinner, but the inexplicable need to keep everyone updated on what they’re doing together has him handing her his phone over the table without a second thought. He holds his spoon out for Juyeon to taste what he’s eating, and his hand falters with the spoon in the air, eyes darting to the side to see his mom watching him already. But it's fine. Eric goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, he scoots his chair in and ends up too close to Juyeon. Their knees bump under the table, and neither of them move. His mom says his name, and he snaps back to attention. That's fine. He doesn’t move his leg, and neither does Juyeon.

He eats, and drinks, and happily recants stories of what he's doing lately to his mom. He keeps his knee pressed to Juyeon’s and doesn’t flinch when Juyeon drapes an arm along the back of his chair. He smiles and says the right things at the right times. He's fine.

Dinner, as always, is perfect. Juyeon’s really cute. He always talks to Eric’s mom like she’s his own, and it's always made Eric feel warm inside, but now it makes Eric’s heart twist in a strange new way. Even with his preoccupations, he still had fun and good food with two of his favorite people.

“I’m so glad you keep inviting Juyeon along,” his mom tells him, after dinner and when they're on their way back to drop her off, sidling close to him and whispering like it’s a secret how much she likes Juyeon. Juyeon walks off to the side a little, the perfect gentleman as he tinkers around on his phone to give them some privacy to talk as they get closer to dropping her off. Eric wonders if it was a mistake to choose a restaurant within walking distance from them all. He's nervous about what his mom might say.

“You always tell me to invite him, mom.”

“Yes, but it’s not like you ask any of your other members to come along,” his mom tuts, lightly pinching his arm. “You could, you know. But you don’t.”

Eric laughs, but it’s weak. Somehow everyone around him sees right through his Juyeon fixation. It’s obvious, probably written in flashing neon lights hanging above his head. “Do you think it’s weird?”

“Why would it be weird?”

“Mom,” Eric hazards. He can go two ways here. One, make a lighthearted joke about something stupid like how he’s stingy and doesn’t want to pay for everyone’s food so he doesn’t extend the invite to them. Or two, rip open his bleeding heart and reveal to his mom that he’s probably actually very much in love with the guy walking less than a meter away from them. "Don’t you wonder why I don’t invite anyone else?”

“Yes,” she says. “But I love seeing Juyeon, and it’s always so nice with the two of you. I see and hear from your other boys all the time.” She reaches for his forearm again and he expects another pinch, but she pats him. “I wonder, but I figure if there’s anything I need to know,” she tacks on, giving him a knowing look, “you’ll tell me.”

"Of course."

The words come out stilted. He could tell her. Maybe not right now, but in a message, or right as she's about to leave—the coward's way out. He's been loved by his mom long enough and fiercely enough to know that she'll always be in his corner, but he hesitates. If anything, Juyeon should know first. It sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is, but it's placating enough to settle the anxiety bubbling in his throat.

His mom hums in response and loosens her grip on him. They catch up to Juyeon and he puts his phone in his pocket once they're stepping alongside him. He might have heard bits and pieces of their conversation, but Eric can't tell. He isn't going to ask either. The rest of the walk is comfortable, the three of them chatting about what Eric's mom has scheduled for the rest of her trip. It gives Eric something to focus on, something to latch onto when the steady bump of Juyeon's hand against his own almost makes him trip over his feet. 

“I love you both,” his mom tells them when she's finally making her way through her door, turning around to send flying kisses with both of her hands. “You make sure to take care of our Eric until I see you two again, Juyeon.”

Juyeon tucks a shivering Eric under an arm, using the other to wave at Eric's mom as she goes inside. "I will, I promise."

He will. He always has.

✧

Just when Eric thinks he’s getting close to having this all figured out, something else comes up.

He’s kissed Juyeon and basically gotten his mom’s secret-coded blessings, and he’s still agonizing over what all of this means. It would probably be a lot easier if he just talked to Juyeon about it. But there are levels to all of this. Back when he was straight he didn’t have to think like this all the time. Or, well, back when he thought he was straight.

It’s his own mind creating all these thoughts, so logically he should be able to shut it down, but it’s like the moment he tries to do that, something even more ridiculous materializes.

Basically, there’s a new thought that keeps popping up. It’s less about him and more about Juyeon, which is hardly a consolation when it sends shivers down his spine any time he thinks about it.

Juyeon is sexy.

The first time he has the thought, completely unprompted and straight out of left field, a zinger at top speed that stuns him silent, he has to sit down. When it registers that his brain created that thought, processed it, and then proceeded to repeat it like an echoing shout in a tunnel—words bouncing around only to return right where they started—he has to close his eyes. When he opens his eyes and accidentally makes eye contact with Juyeon as he’s lifting a water bottle up to his face, mouth open and tongue peeking out, Eric has to put his head in his hands and count backward from 20.

He's constantly reevaluating things. Maybe he’s not even gay. Maybe he’s just been watching too many romantic comedies at night and it’s changed the way his brain works and now he’s doomed to only be able to look at Juyeon and think with undeniable certainty: Sexy.

Who even says that? _Sexy._ His mom talking about older, distinguished male celebrities and fans when they describe the members, that’s who. Eric is in neither of those categories. Yet he keeps looking at Juyeon and thinking it: Sexy.

Objectively, Juyeon is good looking. Eric understands why he's so popular amongst the members. His handsome face, defined jawline. The broadness of his shoulders and the taper of his waist. There's the way he transforms when he’s practicing or on stage. The cords of his muscles when he moves, catlike agility turning into art in motion. How he's so much bigger than Eric. He's always captivating. Even when he's just woken up and the hair at the back of his head is sticking up everywhere.

He just can't stop thinking about it. There are implications there. _Sexy._

If Eric is actually gay, then it means something. Well, it means a lot of things but most importantly, that he’d—hypothetically, of course—have sex with Juyeon. Even if he’s not gay, the thought has been planted and it already has roots sprouting deep into the soil. It's not like it even matters anymore. He's attracted to him. He’d—have sex with Juyeon?

And, well. Okay. That’s definitely something to think about.

He wants to be with Juyeon all the time. He wants to hold his hand, keep going on their pseudo-dates, tell him all of his most unimportant and random thoughts. He wants his attention whenever he can get it. He wants everyone who'll listen to know that he's Juyeon's favorite. He wants to kiss him again. He’s okay with this. He’s processed this.

Sex, though?

Eric's a young guy living with a bunch of other dudes. They've lived together for so long that any kind of shame has long been thrown out the window. The general rule is just don't get caught with your dick out and everything will be fine.

There’s absolutely no chance he’s going to Kevin for this. The conversation he had with him the other day is still mortifying to think about. The embarrassment took so much of an emotional toll that he’s still recovering from it. Now Kevin keeps shooting him finger guns and wiggling his eyebrows like Eric is supposed to know what that means. No Kevin this time—This is his own dilemma to deal with.

Being around Juyeon so often means that he doesn’t actually have the ability to be objective, and clearly, the only option is to put himself in an outsider’s shoes to get some clarity. What do people who don’t know Juyeon personally see?

So, he gets up and locks the door. He can't directly search on Youtube because he and Juyeon share the computer and nothing would be worse than getting caught like that. Instead, he searches for his own name, clicking the first fancam that pops up. He pauses it and scrolls through the recommended videos until he sees one of Juyeon, clicking it.

The next three minutes and thirty-four seconds are spent with his eyes glued to the screen.

Eric gets it.

If he wasn't actually in the group, he'd definitely pay money just to see Juyeon perform on stage. He understands why the fans respond the way that they do. Under the video are comments all with hundreds of likes, talking about the fluidity of his moves, how perfectly he fit the concept, his body, his gaze—everything. One comment is so funny that it makes him laugh out loud, _all the women in Korea won't be able to sleep after watching this._ If only they knew how Eric feels.

He clicks back to the search page, looking for the next video when someone starts banging on the door. “We’re going to the convenience store, you coming?” It’s Younghoon, the outline of his face and hands pressed against the glass door peering in too close for Eric’s comfort.

Shit. “Yeah, give me a minute!” He scrambles for the mouse and clicks out of every tab he has open as fast as he can, heart in his throat even though made sure the door was locked. There’s guilt, swimming around in his gut, telling him that he shouldn’t be looking at Juyeon like this. It’s all public, available for anyone to see if they have internet access, but he waited until he was alone and locked the door, so it’s probably something he shouldn’t be doing. But underneath the guilt, there’s that blooming feeling in his chest that tells him there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging how attractive Juyeon is. That there’s nothing wrong with him for thinking that Juyeon, a man, is attractive. The angel on his shoulder reminds him that he’s supposed to be able to tell Juyeon anything. The devil by his ear counters that, whispering comforting words that tell him it's okay to give some thought to the new concept before he brings it up.

Either way, what's done is done, and he's definitely realized a few new things. It feels like a lightbulb coming to life, luminescence impossible to look away from.

✧

Eric’s tired.

Practice is brutal every day, new things to learn and memorize getting added like they have an infinitesimal amount of time before the next comeback. Unfortunately, they don’t, and it means that they all have to work three times as hard in half as much time. Everything is sore. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and woke up with seatbelt marks along the side of his face. He hasn't been eating right because every minute of rest he can get is more precious. The exhaustion feels bone-deep, weighing down his every step. The Juyeon issue is nowhere near as pressing at the moment. It’s almost welcome to have the constant throb of his muscles distract him from everything else going on.

Eric doesn't know where Chanhee is, or how he even has the energy to galavant, but it's not like he was invited anyway. He'll take the time alone as a little victory, however long he gets the perfect amount of time to just sink into his mattress and deflate. He doesn't want to think, content to just lay in bed horizontally even if just for a moment.

To aid in the experience, he queues up Love Island on his laptop. He stayed up too late watching too many episodes the night before practice and it left him bleary-eyed, but he has to know what fallout Casa Amor will bring.

He gets a good 20 minutes of mindless television in when the door clicks open, and Eric figures it's Chanhee coming in for the night. It's quiet, though, so he guesses that he just came in to grab something and slip back out of the room.

Turns out, it's not Chanhee at all.

"What's this?" Juyeon asks as he's already lifting the edge of Eric's blanket to squeeze in next to him. He smells like he always does but faintly like the shower stuff they keep in stock at the company, familiar in so many ways.

Eric scoots over to make room for him. "Love Island," he answers. "You just came from the company?"

“Yep.” Juyeon hums in confirmation. He’s been staying late to practice nearly every day. Eric doesn't know if there's anyone who works harder than Juyeon does.

Eric wants to overanalyze this, hyperaware of how their limbs tangle like second nature as soon as Juyeon gets under the blanket, but he's just too tired to bother. No matter how much he overthinks, this has always been simple for them. Keys in a slot, magnets pulling together, seamless stitches. Eric smacks a hand on his keyboard, pausing the re-coupling ceremony on screen. "Missed you."

"You just saw me a few hours ago." Juyeon laughs, low. Eric can feel the rumble of it where Juyeon's chest is pressed against his body. "Missed you too."

Eric picks up his laptop and sets it haphazardly on the floor, easily forgotten with more important things at hand. He wriggles around to reposition their bodies, tucking his head under Juyeon's chin, almost in the crook of his neck, curling his hands between them, and gets hold of Juyeon's wrist, beckoning him to shove an arm under Eric's neck. Juyeon always grumbles when they do this, weak complaints of how it makes his arm fall asleep, but he lets Eric do it every time.

"What about Love Island?"

"Doesn't matter." Eric brushes it off. "You sound sleepy."

"I am. Think I danced the soles out of my shoes."

Eric wants to tell him that he doesn't need to do that, that there's likely not a level higher than the ones Juyeon's already surpassed. He refrains, though, because if there's anything about Juyeon that will never change, it's his commitment and dedication. Tell him he's reached the highest level and he'll create a new one, determined to better himself until the end of time.

He reaches a hand up to tangle in Juyeon's hair, long all around but shorn on the sides. His fingers lazily trace nonsense patterns on his scalp, an attempt to lull him into sleep and help him forget the stress of the day. Juyeon does it to him all the time, but Eric rarely gets a moment where Juyeon will sit back long enough for him to be the one to do the coddling. But he can. And he wants to.

He can feel Juyeon relax moment by moment, the tension melting out of his rigid muscles. There's nothing filling the room but the hum of the heating and their breathing, rising and falling, matching even while idle. Eric wants to keep this always, get it however he can even if it hurts him in the process.

He curls in even closer to Juyeon, tangling their legs together, molding to him like a second skin. He rubs his face against Juyeon's neck, smiling to himself when he feels him blowing Eric's hair out of his face.

"Tickles," Juyeon slurs, the sleepy timbre of his voice traveling down Eric's spine.

"Sorry," Eric replies. He doesn't stop, though, just slows the motions down. Breathes in the scent of Juyeon that's home to him.

It's not something he wants to let settle in his chest, but he thinks he'd be okay if this is all he ever got from Juyeon. He'll always be his favorite person no matter what. Even if there's nothing he wants more at the moment than to press kisses into the skin of Juyeon's jaw, he'll live. He wonders what Juyeon is thinking, knows that he's always got a lot on his mind, and finds that the possibilities are too vast for him to not feel antsy. He wants to ask more questions, disturb the reverie in the room, but he doesn't say a word. He lays there, just continuing the lazy drag against Juyeon's scalp, writing out the letters of his name, _E R I C_. Wishes there was a way he could permanently etch himself into Juyeon's heart.

He listens to Juyeon's breathing even out, watches his eyelashes flutter as he grapples with sleep. He considers closing his own eyes and falling asleep as well, but he's too keyed up, too reluctant to let this moment end.

When he thinks that maybe Juyeon is actually asleep, he begins to stir, eyes opening to find Eric's. He feels caught, like he was in the middle of doing something he wasn't supposed to. He wasn't, not really, but Juyeon is silent as he stares at him. Eric's fingers falter in Juyeon's hair but he can't look away.

Juyeon doesn't do anything. He only makes a little sound, so soft that Eric only hears it because he's tucked against him, then tugs Eric a little closer to him, holding him tight for a second before he lets the arm over Eric's waist go lax.

Eric stares into the dark of the room. He's just so close to Juyeon. He closes his eyes. Opens them. Closes them again. Doesn't get any sleepier.

He doesn't know how long he repeats the motions until the exhaustion from the day finally gets to him, the repetition making his eyes feel like they're being weighed down by anchors.

It's the exhaustion, maybe, that propels him forward even more, until his face is mashed right into Juyeon's neck. It's the exhaustion, probably, that makes his mouth open, just a little, so that it's pressed on Juyeon's skin. It's the exhaustion, for sure, that makes him pucker his lips ever so slightly, a featherlight kiss.

The arm Juyeon has slung around him twitches, and for a moment Eric is afraid that he's going to push him off, but instead, Juyeon starts messing with the hem of Eric's shirt. So he's awake.

Sure, Eric's impulsive, prone to taking risks, but he also knows Juyeon well enough to know when to stop pushing his buttons. He chances another small kiss, right next to where he planted the first one, and Juyeon's hand stills.

Juyeon creates more space for Eric, lets his head loll back on the pillow, baring his neck. There's a spot on Juyeon's jaw that Eric's been thinking about putting his mouth on for weeks, so he works his way up there, leaving a trail of kisses that says more than he ever could in words. Juyeon has a clasping around his waist, holding him still, holding him back, moving him further up.

And he's bolder, spurred on by Juyeon's response, working up to his mouth, and they should probably talk about this, but Eric's not that mature, and—

Juyeon pulls back, setting a kilometer-long distance between them even though they're still tangled in Eric's tiny bed. Eric wants to whine. To pull out his own hair and protest. Eric twists his body away, agitated. Frustrated with himself.

"Why." It's not much of a question.

“I don’t want to pressure you into anything,” Juyeon tells him, and he’s serious, his eyes wide and the corners of his mouth downturned.

“You’re not serious,” Eric responds. He looks at Juyeon for a moment and can't read him, unable to decipher what he's seeing. That's been happening too often lately. Juyeon's a bleeding heart but for some reason Eric can't figure out what he's thinking. He twists around, pressing his back to Juyeon's front. He’s a second away from flinging the blanket off his body and getting up to pace. Juyeon has to know by now. He has to see all the ways Eric is his, how Eric is ready to throw himself at Juyeon if he asks.

“Hm,” Juyeon says, curling the arm that's under Eric's neck to fiddle with the sleeve of Eric’s shirt. His fingers touch Eric’s bare arm. “But I feel like you know where I’m coming from.”

No, absolutely not. Eric twists back around, wiggly and petulant, so that he’s no longer looking away from Juyeon but facing him. “I have no idea what you’re trying to say right now.”

“I’m older than you,” Juyeon starts to explain. His hand finds its way back to Eric’s arm, his fingers underneath the fabric of Eric’s sleeve, little tap taps against the skin of his upper arm. “You could be my little brother, Youngjae.”

“But I’m not.” Eric isn’t going to argue about it, but he’s suddenly very tired. “You know I’m not.”

“Like my own little protégé.”

“Maybe.” Eric can agree to that, he thinks that anyone who knows them both would as well. “But not your brother.”

“Little,” Juyeon muses.

Eric stretches his neck out, turns his head up slowly so that his nose brushes against Juyeon’s neck like before. “But not your fucking brother.”

Juyeon moves his head so that it bumps softly against Eric’s. His arms wrap tighter around Eric’s body, holding him impossibly closer in the small space they’re in. Eric can’t tell whose heartbeat he can hear thumping in the dark. “Right,” Juyeon finally agrees. “Not my brother.”

Eric swallows, and it feels loud in his head, way too obvious with Juyeon so close. He's never been one to shy away from saying what he has to, but maybe he's simply different now. Cursed to be tongue-tied until he finally tells Juyeon what he deserves to hear.

"You know when I really wasn't your brother?" Eric asks. He doesn't wait for Juyeon to answer because he knows that he'll take it seriously and not see it as rhetorical. "When you kissed me outside the dorm."

There's hardly any light in the room, save for Eric's laptop shining from the floor, but he can still see Juyeon's eyelashes flutter as he blinks rapidly. "Youngjae..."

"I know what you're doing," Eric says, clipped. "Look at us. I don't want to say it, and neither do you, but c'mon. Doesn't this seem a little backward?" He curls further into the crook of Juyeon's neck, whispering to hide the tremble in his voice. "I want you."

"You've got me," Juyeon whispers back. "However you want me, you have me. It's always been like that."

"Are you sure?" Eric counters, "because I don't think the way I want you is anything like what you're thinking. Lately it feels like I’m going crazy because I want you so bad." He looks at Juyeon's mouth, remembers how it felt on his. "Maybe I'm reading it wrong, or just in over my head, but I just—I think you want me too."

"You know how much I like you." Juyeon's eyes are wide, and his mouth is a little parted.

"Sure. When you're talking about me like your little brother."

Juyeon trails a hand down his back, fingers tracing the knobs of his spine on the way down, a slow drag until he lands at his hip. He squeezes. Eric can feel the buzz of his touch all over his body. "I don't talk about you like you're my brother. Not anymore."

“You’re giving me mixed signals, here.” Eric's throat is dry, a terrible contrast with how glassy his eyes feel. "Tell me exactly how, then."

The hand at Eric's hip squeezes again before shifting a little, Juyeon's fingers catching and settling between the fabric of Eric's pajama top and bottom, skin on skin. A searing heat travels through Eric's body but he's frozen.

The next few seconds feel like a snapshot in time. Juyeon's expression steeling over, the detachment of their limbs, a moment where Eric's about to apologize for being out of line. Then, it's like slow motion. Juyeon nudging Eric's hip, moving him until he's flat on his back, Eric letting his legs fall open automatically, creating a space that's just wide enough for Juyeon to fit in. Juyeon gets up on all fours and moves up on the bed so that he's over Eric, caging him in with his arms. Looking at him with a newfound reverence.

Eric's on edge, afraid to move wrong and break the moment, vision narrowed into Juyeon. Juyeon leans closer until he's level with Eric's ear. The rush of air from his words tickles as he says, "I talk about you like you're the most important person in my life."

Eric knows this. He's known this. Yet no matter how many different variations of this he's told, it still doesn't quite sink in. He wants to hear it over and over again. Even if the way he feels about Juyeon is an ever changing, continuously growing enigma, he knows that he's as important to Juyeon as Juyeon is to him. He knows the answer, but can't help asking, "Am I?"

"You are." Juyeon goes to lean back on his haunches so he doesn't hit his head on the top bunk, but seems to second guess it, kissing Eric's temple before fully separating. "You deserve to know that."

"Show me, then." Eric's not above begging. He isn't, but he also doesn't see why he should have to when Juyeon is looking down at him like he's going to devour him whole. "Please?"

Juyeon looks down at him for a moment, thinking. Eric can't do anything other than look back at him. He just wants so much. Juyeon is within hand's reach and Eric is about to combust, a simple touch enough to be the accelerant that sets him on fire.

Juyeon seems to come to a conclusion because he reaches for Eric, hands going for the top button on Eric's pajama top. Eric holds his breath and watches in fascination as Juyeon takes his time unbuttoning it. His hands are so big—everyone always jokes about how difficult it is for him to handle small things—but he's so careful in his ministrations, his bottom lip between his teeth as he works the buttons. "You're perfect," he says when the last button is undone and Eric's chest is exposed.

He thinks he's supposed to feel embarrassed now, maybe a little shy. He doesn't. He's flat on his back with his thighs spread wide, half-naked and under Juyeon's watch and the only thing he feels is smugness. Juyeon's looking at him in a way he's never done before and it shoots straight to Eric's ego. He arches his back and cranes his neck, wiggles enough so that one of his sleeves slides down. He sees Juyeon's eyes land where his neck meets shoulder and hooks a leg around his waist, beckoning him closer.

Juyeon pauses only to take his own shirt off and then bends to kiss him, right where his eyes were moments before. His teeth scrape against skin and Eric wants nothing more than for him to leave a mark where he can't. He'd gladly wear a mark showing everyone where Juyeon's been. Juyeon's just kissing him, and kissing him, open-mouthed and wet, biting his bottom lip, refusing to let go. Eric lets himself get lost in it, unwilling to be the one to break apart. He can't stop himself from rocking his hips up to meet Juyeon's, a desperate attempt in seeking friction. Juyeon's more focused on kissing the breath out of him, his hips moving lazily against Eric's. It's so much and still, Eric needs _more._

He's distantly aware of how they're probably making too much noise, the bunk bed not made for anything other than sleeping soundly, but he can't find it in himself to stop. Juyeon's off the bed for a quick second, shucking off his pants, only to crawl back into the bunk to take off Eric's shorts, throwing them off to the side. Eric has half a mind to laugh at how they land on one of the stairs of the bunk ladder, but loses that thought immediately when Juyeon starts kissing a path down his stomach. He's going lower and lower, and Eric has an idea of how this might go but—he doesn't want to stop kissing him.

He tugs on a strand of Juyeon's hair, getting his attention. He stops, looks up, and all Eric can think about is how beautiful he is. How lucky Eric is right now. How lucky he'll be in the future because—of course, he's got a big dick, thick and bobbing between his thighs. Eric's throat works, the anticipation of what's yet to come making him hot. He makes grabby hands for Juyeon, and he comes easily, laying tender kisses all over his face as he repositions them.

A hand is a hand, but the feel of Juyeon's on him is so different and new that he can't stop the moan that escapes his throat. Juyeon's on a mission, using his thighs to nudge Eric's up until they're bracketing his in a straddle, getting so close that he can hold both of their cocks in one large hand, pushing them together. When he starts jerking them off, Eric's brain shorts out. The friction sends zings of pleasure all over his body, leaving Eric lightheaded, a babbling mess. He's almost outside of his body, the sensations too much yet not enough at the same time.

"Wait, wait," Eric gasps out, begrudgingly. The last thing he wants to do is stop, but it's too dry, toeing the line between pleasure and pain. "I have—stuff." By stuff, he means the stash of lotion he snagged from their last photoshoot. He swings an arm out to fish through the bottom desk drawer next to his bed before procuring a little bottle that he then tosses to Juyeon.

Juyeon catches it and squints. "Lapothicell?"

"Yeah," Eric says, and then he's giggling.

"I think they'd ban us from promoting the brand if they knew this is what we're doing with it," Juyeon shakes his head as he clicks the cap of it open, but he's smiling, the grin on his face contagious enough to make another peal of laughter bubble from Eric's chest. Eric likes this, that they can take a moment to laugh even when the tension is so thick in the room.

Once Juyeon's got the lotion spread over them both, it's somehow even better. He thought it was good before, but this is indescribable. The slick, wet slide leaves him feeling feverish, has him so overwhelmed he can't think. Juyeon keeps jacking them off, using his other hand to cup Eric's balls, and Eric might just start crying. Time seems to be endless, a feedback loop of pleasure the only thing registering in his brain.

Surprisingly, Juyeon comes first, spilling over them both, dripping wet and hot down his fist and onto Eric's stomach. Eric is so close, and he thinks he's mumbling, asking, begging and pleading for Juyeon not to stop. He closes his eyes, rocking into Juyeon's fist. He's dizzy with it, desperate and wild as he chases his orgasm. His hands are all over Juyeon, reaching for his neck, pulling him down to kiss him like it's the only thing he knows how to do. Juyeon twists his hand on the upstroke, flattening his palm on the head, and Eric is gone.

When Eric stops seeing stars and spots in his vision, and the rise and fall of his chest slows, everything seems clearer. He wants to do this again. He wishes he had the power to cancel everything on their schedules so they can spend days in bed, learning new things about each other that he never thought possible until now. He wants more. He doesn't know everything about it, haphazard searches in the dark not informative enough, but he wants Juyeon's fingers in him, to stretch him out so he can sit on his dick. He wants to do the same for Juyeon, see how many new things they can do together. He wants it all.

Another day, maybe. He's sleepy, post-orgasm tiredness hitting him like a truck. He should hop in the shower, or stay awake so he can kiss Juyeon more, but he's melting into the mattress.

Juyeon wipes him off with one of their shirts, gets Eric's shorts from where they’re hanging off the ladder and tucks him back into them. He shuffles into his own clothes quickly, as if he's just realized that they live with a bunch of other people. Eric's eyes are barely staying open, only wide enough for him to appreciate Juyeon's silhouette in the dark. Juyeon's ready to go and sneak out the room, but he presses a kiss to Eric's temple before ducking out, whispering, "Let's talk tomorrow, okay?"

Eric thinks he nods, sleep overtaking him. Tomorrow, then.

✧

When he opens his eyes next, it’s to Chanhee standing in the doorway illuminated by the backlight from the hallway. Eric has to rub the sleep from his eyes to make sure he’s not dreaming. Chanhee’s arms are crossed, and he looks like he’s been standing there for a bit. Does he know? Is he—mad?

“Did I say you could use one of my candles?” Chanhee hisses as he walks toward Eric, pointing an arm out to the desk at the side of their bunks. One of Chanhee’s candles—his favorite, actually—is burning, the wick disappearing under the melted wax. That means Juyeon’s been gone for a while. “Apologize, please.”

“Sorry, hyung. I’ll never touch your candles again.”

Chanhee pats him on the head twice. “Excellent.” He walks over to flick the light on before spinning around to peer at Eric. “And what are you smiling about?”

Eric didn’t realize he was smiling. But now that Chanhee mentions it, he wouldn’t be surprised if his face is broadcasting how giddy he feels. He kind of wants Chanhee to leave again so he can hop out of bed and do a cartwheel. “No reason,” he answers, clearing the sleep out of his throat. “Where did you sleep last night?”

Chanhee’s digging in the closet, so he has to raise his voice for Eric to hear. “I was playing games with Changmin and when I fell asleep that _scoundrel_ left me in the living room with all the lights blazing.” Chanhee pauses his search to rub at his neck. “That couch is brutal. Why are you asking?”

Eric shrugs. Chanhee can’t see him shrugging, so he makes a noise that doesn’t mean much of anything. It’s a little funny. “No reason,” he repeats.

Chanhee resumes his search and finds whatever he’s looking for, holding a wrinkled lump of fabric in the air triumphantly before rushing out the room without a glance back. Once the door clicks shut, Eric lets out a gust of air. He catalogs how he feels. Happy, mostly. He's very happy, actually. This might be what it means to reach the top of the pyramid. The only thing that would make him happier is if he woke up next to Juyeon, but he understands that they can't exactly do whatever they want because they live with other people.

It's a reality that hits him again when Chanhee pops back into their room, this time with the previously wrinkled shirt on his body, ironed to perfection, and an apple slice in hand. Chanhee stands in the middle of the room and chews, looking very unimpressed with Eric's general state of being. "You know it's almost 9, right? We have to go to the company."

Right. "Leave me alone," he wails into his pillow, extra whiny so Chanhee knows that he's not being serious.

"If you get left behind it's not my fault," Chanhee sing-songs as he's exiting again. "Wipe that smile off your face and let's get moving!"

✧

He manages to hop in and out of the shower in record time, barely making it to the car with enough time leftover to not get scolded by any managers. The shower refreshes him, too short for him to stand under the water and rehash the past 24 hours, and resets his mind into work mode—a state where his focus can't be shaken.

Ever the professional, he doesn't let himself think about Juyeon or what they did last night for a whopping half hour. He's about to pat himself on the back when he sees Juyeon in his peripheral vision walking toward him.

"Hey," Juyeon says once he's close enough to speak to him without anyone else close by. He leans against the wall, aiming to look casual, but Eric knows that he's using a lot of effort to make it appear so. Eric has to smother the smile playing on his lips. "We should get dinner later."

"We should," Eric says, holding eye contact with Juyeon. He lets the smile unfurl along with the special brand of fondness he only has for Juyeon. He leans in to whisper conspiratorially, "Your place or mine?"

When Juyeon laughs it's a soft chuckle that warms Eric all the way down to his toes. "I'll grab food if you get drinks?"

"Sure," Eric agrees. He hesitates, not sure if they're at a point where they can freely joke about it. Probably not, but he starts, "It's a da—"

He's cut off by their dance instructor rounding the corner, clearly looking for the both of them. They were standing a respectable distance from each other but they both jump back as if they were electrocuted. Their instructor snaps his fingers, words not necessary to convey the importance of punctuality, and they scramble to follow him, conditioned.

Eric knows that he has to work on being less obvious but it's extremely difficult to not follow the lines of Juyeon's body in the mirror while they're practicing. Everyone's moving in sync, limbs part of a tried and true formula, yet Juyeon is the only one Eric is looking at. He lets his body move on autopilot so his eyes can focus on Juyeon. It's impossible not to with the way he moves, hitting every beat with immaculate precision even though half the group's just moving through the motions. He can't look away, especially when Juyeon catches his eye in the mirror and doesn't stop looking until the song stops playing.

He's only brought back down to Earth when Kevin elbows him in the gut.

"Ouch," he clutches at his stomach.

" _Ouch_ ," Kevin mocks. "If you were paying attention you wouldn't have run into my elbow. Could you stare any harder? Actually, wait, you might be able to."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Eric says, voice rising to speak over Kevin as he spins in the other direction. They have other things to do at the company, so he uses that as his excuse to run away from Kevin. He's sure that he'll have to field his questions eventually, but not yet.

Going out to eat wouldn't make much sense with how long practice took, so Eric and Juyeon agree to hole up in their studio room instead with their original plan of food and drinks. They could just go home, but they wouldn't be alone. The day is nearly over and they've hardly had a minute to themselves, so it's reassuring to know that Juyeon wants to be alone with him. Still, Eric's a little wary, unsure if Juyeon's going to find a way to stall the conversation that they need to have at this point.

There's the chance that maybe Juyeon needs some time to think about it—which is completely fine—but if he’s trying to find a way to let Eric down and tell him that he thinks it was a mistake and they should just stay regular friends, Eric would rather just hear it now.

Juyeon shows up to their room with Eric's favorite ramen, and Eric holds up an iced americano for Juyeon, his own iced tea already half empty. He's been sipping at it to calm his nerves, and it hasn't helped much, only made him feel like he needs to run to the bathroom.

They're tip-toeing around each other, chit-chatting about nothing while they start eating, and Eric's on edge. He's going to have to bring it up. Rip the bandaid off.

"We're going to talk about it, right?" he asks Juyeon the moment he puts his chopsticks down and turns away to plug in his phone into the wall outlet.

"Sure." Juyeon unbends and blinks twice in Eric's direction. "Yes. I mean—yes."

It's never been this hard to talk to Juyeon, and he wonders if all this is worth it. He's had a million conversations with Juyeon about any and everything, yet neither of them can seem to say what they want to say these days.

Eric puts his own chopsticks down. Seconds later he regrets it, wishes he had something to fiddle with. "I'll start then." He has no idea what he's going to say. The truth, perhaps. "I like you. I like you and I think it's a good idea to try whatever this is," he gestures to them both, "I know you want to tell me all the reasons why it's a bad idea to try and protect me but. Don't."

"It is a bad idea," Juyeon says, a little strained. He's crossed his arms. "We really shouldn't."

"But you want to."

"I do," Juyeon agrees. "That still doesn't mean it's a good idea."

“I just like being with you,” Eric blurts out, earnest as ever. "I don't know why it has to be so complicated.

Juyeon laughs. “I like being with you too. I mean, we’re best friends before anything else, right? I think it’d be strange if we didn’t like being together.” He sighs before continuing. "But you know why it's complicated."

Eric shakes his head. He doesn't care about keeping track of the reasons why they shouldn't. "Not much has to change."

"Can I be honest with you?" Juyeon asks. Eric nods, because he wants to hear and because Juyeon's only ever honest with him. "The fans and everything, they're the least of my concerns." Juyeon rubs at the back of his neck. "I just don't know what I'm doing. It's like - is this going to get us in trouble, are we supposed to clear this with the managers, should I be more worried than I am—?"

"Shouldn't we at least try it out before we come up with all the worst-case scenarios?"

"It's hard for me to explain," Juyeon frowns. "I'll always feel responsible for you. I'm supposed to protect you from things. What if I—," he clears his throat, his brows furrowing. "What if I do something to break your heart?"

 _You wouldn't,_ Eric thinks. He's about to tell him that, but he pauses. It's a rational fear. Juyeon spends a lot of time in his head, so naturally, he'd be thinking about something like this. Eric might sound naive, but he doesn't believe that would ever happen.

"There's the problem," Eric says gently, getting up from his chair to seat himself on Juyeon's lap. "You worry too much." He wraps his arms around Juyeon's shoulders and leans his head against his. Automatic, Juyeon's arms come up to wrap around his waist. They always fit together. "You do all this thinking and come up with amazing things, but also terrible things. It's okay to just go by your gut feeling sometimes. It's okay to just enjoy things in the moment."

Juyeon laughs softly. "You're a feelings guy now, huh?"

Eric nods against him, "Being a sports guy wasn't emotionally stimulating enough for me. You know how it is." He leans back so that he can see Juyeon's face, lifting up a hand to smooth out the crease between his brows. "Not much has to change, okay? We can take a few steps back and go glacier speed if you want."

"Who's the hyung here?" Juyeon unwraps his hands from Eric's waist to grab at his thighs, moving him with ease so that he's facing him, straddling him. If anyone were to walk in it'd be pretty incriminating, but that's a problem for the future. "Not much has to change," he acquiesces, tugging Eric forward just the slightest, only close enough for him to plant a small kiss at the corner of his mouth, right on the scar there. "But some things can."

They still have so much more to figure out—actual obstacles that will need to be crossed eventually—but here, in their studio room, none of that matters. It's just the two of them together, as easy as it gets.

✧

Eric's come to his single most important realization: He's happy.

He can tell Juyeon is too, even with the apprehension that will stick around for a while. It's okay, though. They get to work on this together. They've got all the time in the world to make mistakes, figure it out, what works and what doesn't.

He wants to post a picture to the Twitter account, a quiet boast. For now, nobody but the two of them will know—until Kevin starts asking more questions—but Eric wants to silent-brag anyway. For the symbolism of it all.

"What should I caption it?"

"Anything you want."

Eric mulls it over. It's an unremarkable photo, taken in some waiting room, and not even a recent one, but the meaning behind it is more than anyone would ever guess. He's on top of the world, perched on top of Juyeon's lap with one of Juyeon's hands creeping under his sweatshirt. He's this close to sending out a tweet full of keysmashes and emojis but decides not to. He'll just upload a regular picture instead.

He tries out a few captions. Deletes them all, none of them capturing how he feels in the moment. It's only when Juyeon's other hand slips up his shirt, fingers spreading across his ribcage, that he thinks of the perfect caption.

_'with my best bro'_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is like my little end of year baby... if you liked it, please leave me a kudos/comment and lemme know your thoughts, i appreciate it all <3
> 
> also, if you're not that familiar with their escapades: [they](https://twitter.com/we_the_boyz/status/1148201783535140864?s=21) [do](https://twitter.com/we_the_boyz/status/1150103975766532097?s=21) [enjoy](https://twitter.com/we_the_boyz/status/1193470226949521409?s=21) [eating](https://twitter.com/we_the_boyz/status/1220354310829006848?s=21) [dinner](https://twitter.com/we_the_boyz/status/1289192084461690881) [together](https://twitter.com/shotdoublelock/status/1289201690940280838?s=21).
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/zitaosnose)


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